Death the Kid's Tamponic Adventure
by 8spunkangel8
Summary: It's Liz and Patty's time of the month, and when they run out of some very important products, they send Kid out to restock their supply. Only rated T for mention of lady parts.


**Hey! This is my first fic for the Soul Eater fandom (that I'm publishing), so I hope you enjoy this first attempt! This is a one-year friendship anniversary gift for dhbPATHWAY1997, so here's a shout-out to her and all of her loveliness: SHOUT-OUT! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, HUNGARY! You guys should check out some of her stories. ;) Anyway, I tried to give this at least a little bit of meaning, but I don't know how well that worked out.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the story of Soul Eater, Death the Kid, Liz, Patty, Maka, Soul, Stein, or anyone else mentioned in this thing. I'm not even sure what purpose disclaimers serve on this site since, if I owned the thing, I for shizzle wouldn't be writing fanfictions about it.  
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**Enjoy! :)  
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* * *

"Ugh!"

"Hurts!"

"I know!"

"I just wanna rip out my vagina!"

"You can't rip out your vagina, Patty, it's just a hole. What you mean is you wanna rip out your uterus."

"I don't care! Whatever is causing this, I just _want it OUT!_"

Death the Kid sighed once more and tried again to focus on his essay in the study that was two doors down from the sitting room the two girls were now groaning in. He'd been enduring the complaining, the whining, the yelling, and the screaming for a day and a half now. He didn't say anything, however. The last time he did that – two months back – he'd had to endure a forty-five minute explanation as to _why_ they were complaining so much, which included a couple of detailed pictures – courtesy of Patty – and some gruesome, violent diction, along with countless similes and analogies from Liz. Needless to say, that was not something he wished to go through again. He supposed that it was bittersweet that the two girls were on the same cycle. On the one hand, he had to deal with _double_ the complaining and irritability, but on the other, he at least didn't have to endure it _twice_ a month.

"Uggghhhh!" In response to an exceptionally loud groan, Kid let go of his pencil and dropped his head into his hands. He really should just go to his room. Surely, it would be quieter up there. However, in order to get there, he would have to pass the girls' sitting room and would most likely be stopped and asked to do something. Not that he didn't _want_ to do things for them to make them happy and help them feel better – it was just that their requests during this time of the month were always rather… detailed and confusing, and he didn't feel like having to remember all that. He was still quite exhausted from a rather extensive mission from three days ago. He hadn't gotten much rest after that for various reasons, including this blasted essay that was becoming increasingly more difficult to complete. Honestly, the chances of it being turned in on time were shrinking considerably with every minute that he lost focus.

Kid froze suddenly as he heard footsteps outside the study.

_Please don't come in, please don't come in, please don't come in._

But the footsteps passed, and Kid let out a sigh of relief as the door to the next room over – a bathroom – opened and closed. He picked up his pencil once more, fiddling with it in between his fingers while his head rested on his open palm. It wasn't really that difficult of a subject matter – the importance of soul resonance and how it takes more than just practice to achieve it – but he'd had a perfect 100-point streak on every essay he'd written for Dr. Stein thus far and did not care to break it.

"Okay…" he mumbled as he thought. "So, in order to have perfect resonance, you have to spend time together outside of training, be able to get along, yada, yada. It's not just about the resonance – it's about the relationship. To be on the same wavelength, it's essential to be in each other's presence. Hence, living together. Hmph. Just like ladies who spend a lot of time together end up on the same menstrual cycle," he concluded with a hint of acidity in his tone. He sighed. _There I go, _he thought, _losing focus again._ He sighed once more, trying to clear his head, and straightened up, staring hard at the half-filled sheet of paper.

"Crap!" came Patty's voice from the bathroom next door. A door slammed, followed by the girl's stomping past his study. "Sis~!"

He turned back to the paper. Whatever problem she was having had nothing to do with him. He was able to get one more note down before he was interrupted.

"Kid!" Liz called.

_Thunk. _Kid dropped his head on the desk.

He just stayed there a moment before inhaling deeply, letting out a quick and less-than-excited, "Coming!" and dragging himself out of his sort-of sanctuary.

"Yes?" he said when he reached the sitting room. Liz was lying on one of the couches with Patty standing over her, an empty tampon box in the younger girl's hand.

_Oh no._ He was afraid he knew where this was going.

"We're out of tampons."

"Uh-huh," he agreed.

"Will you go get some? Neither of us really feels like getting up."

"Patty's up," he noted. At this, the girl in question immediately dropped to the floor with her legs tucked up under her. He sighed quietly.

"Not anymore~!" Patty sang. Kid rolled his two-toned eyes.

"Please, Kid? Our uteruses are literally being ripped to pieces and shoved out our – "

"Okay, I get it!" Kid exclaimed, his hands raised in surrender. He certainly did not want _that_ talk again.

"So, you'll go?" Patty asked him.

"I guess," he said before he could stop himself.

"Awesome!"

"Okay," Liz began, "there are a bunch of different choices, but we don't need anything fancy. Just the Tampax Pearl should be fine."

"Regular size," Patty added. _Size?_

"And make sure you get the ones with the plastic applicator."

"_Not_ cardboard." Both girls shivered. "Seriously, though," Patty continued, "What person in their right mind would buy _cardboard_ tampons? That's like _asking_ to have your – "

"Okay, is that it?" Kid interrupted her, saving himself from hearing the rest of that sentence.

They thought for a moment. "Mmm, chocolate~!" Patty decided.

"Ooh, yeah!" Liz agreed.

"You do not need chocolate."

"Oh, yes. We do," Liz said while Patty nodded on the floor next to her.

"Okay, fine." Kid turned to leave.

"Wait! And ice cream!" Liz added. "I don't care which kind. I wouldn't be able to decide anyway."

"Pickles!"

"Really, Patty?" Kid asked. "Pickles and ice cream? What, are you pregnant?"

"I never said I wanted ice cream. That was sis."

"Yeah, and plus, Kid, come on. Would we really be having you go out and buy _tampons_ if we were pregnant? I mean, seriously, think before you speak." Kid rolled his eyes again. "Oh, and we could really use some Midol or something. We're almost out."

"Okay." He turned again to leave. Halfway down the hall, he heard Patty's yell.

"And gummy worms! Don't forget gummy worms!" _Gummy worms?_ Oh, the joys of living with two women.

o.O.o.O.o

Death the Kid lowered Beelzebub in front of the Death Mart and summoned him back into his palm.

_Plastic, not cardboard_, he thought as he walked inside, immediately being hit with a blast of air conditioning before it subsided. _Or was it cardboard, not plastic?_ _Eh. I'll figure it out._ He grabbed a hand basket and was on his way. He was halfway across the floor before he realized he had no idea where he was going. As many times as he'd been to this store, never once had he needed to step foot in the feminine hygiene section. He had always sent the girls away to retrieve those things themselves when they were needed. He sighed and looked around. A student from the academy was on the same aisle as Kid - how he got to the refrigerated food section, he'll never know – stocking shelves, no doubt to earn back his food money after spending it on who-knows-what. Kid walked up to him.

"Excuse me."

The employee looked over. He was probably only a year or two older than Kid. "Yeah?"

"Where do you keep the, uh, feminine products?"

The boy smirked. "Aisle six."

"Thank you."

"Good luck, man," the guy said as Kid turned and walked away.

o.O.o.O.o

When Liz said there were a bunch of different choices, she wasn't kidding. There was an entire wall dedicated to this stuff. Okay, now what did Liz say? Tampax something, right?

_Gah! I can't concentrate with such disarray!_ Kid then proceeded to set his basket on the floor beside him and spend a good twenty minutes organizing the wall, pulling boxes to the front to fill in the holes and arranging them by height, while still somehow managing to keep the different brands together.

After finishing up the final touches, Kid stepped back and admired his work, a small, satisfied smile on his face with one hand on his chin while the other rested on his hip.

"Oh, my gosh, Kid, you pervert!"

"Hm?" Kid turned to his right to see Maka standing there, her own basket in her hand, already half-filled with groceries.

"What do you think you're doing here?!"

"Uh…" he looked around. "Shopping?"

"No, _Kid_." She glanced around as if afraid that someone would see him there. "I mean, what are you doing _here_, in this section, with that creepy smile on your face?!"

"Huh? Oh, I just – "

"Well?!" Her arms were now crossed, her foot tapping hard on the linoleum tile floor.

"Liz and Patty needed some things."

The foot-tapping stopped, but Maka's facial expression and body language stayed frozen in place as that sank in. "Oh… Well, then, why were you smiling like that, huh?" she accused.

He smiled again, wider this time. "I was admiring my work."

She glanced at the shelf with all of its organized glory, and her shoulders sank. "Oh. I guess that makes sense."

"What are _you_ doing here?"

She blushed. "W-well, what do you think?" She grabbed a box of Kotex and turned to get the heck out of there.

"Wait, Maka!" _Crap_, she thought before slowly turning around to face the shinigami.

"Uh, what should I get?"

"Oh. Um… they didn't just send you here without a clue, did they?"

"Well, no, they told me what they needed, but I forgot."

"Why don't you just call them?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"My cell phone was forced into early retirement on my last mission."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

They both turned back to the exceptionally organized wall of tampons and pads and thought for a moment.

"Well, not cardboard," Maka said finally.

"Really? I was thinking that may have been what they asked for."

She looked at him. "Kid, just think for a minute. Would you rather have smooth, round plastic or rough, square-shaped cardboard going… down there?" She blushed harder.

"Uh… you're right." He turned back to the shelf.

"Do you remember which brand?"

"Um… it sounded like 'tampon.'" From the corner of his eye, Kid could see Maka's face go from a light pink to more red in color at his use of the accursed word.

"O-okay…probably the Tampax. Go with the Pearl – those are the plastic ones. You're on your own for size because I don't really want to think about that."

"Right," he said and grabbed the regular size. That was the only detail he remembered.

"Okay, well…" Maka began awkwardly. He found it odd because although he wasn't exactly at his most comfortable right now, he wasn't nearly as flustered as she seemed to be. "I, uh… guess I'll see you at school," she said as she started backing away.

"Alright. I'll see you later. Say 'hi' to Soul for me."

"Will do!" she said over her shoulder as she high-tailed it out of there.

"Wait, Maka!" he called for the second time.

She stopped in her tracks and slowly turned around. "Yes?"

"Where's the Midol?"

"Uh… that way," she said and pointed to her right.

"Okay, thanks."

"Bye, Kid," she said hurriedly and ran away from him for the third time that day.

The rest of his time at the Death Mart was spent trying to remember what else they had asked for and then retrieving those items. He was only stopped once by a fellow male member of the EAT class, who asked about the contents of his basket, to which Kid replied, "Well, I don't ask about what's in your basket, do I, Mr. Nutter Butter?" before moving on. He knew that he could have just told him the truth, but where's the fun in that? After finding slight amusement from his encounter with Maka, he decided that it could be worse. He _could_ be one to be easily embarrassed. But he was not. He was Death the Kid.

While in line at the cash register, Kid noticed a display of five-dollar movies.

"Hm," he muttered. He picked out the most stupid-looking one and added it to his basket. It was a bit of a game the three of them played – they would watch a dumb movie and make fun of it throughout the whole thing while lounging in their pajamas and choking down junk food and soda. He went ahead and grabbed some popcorn they had cleverly stacked on the same display.

o.O.o.O.o

After Liz and Patty had taken a good dosage of Midol, they ate the night away while watching the movie Kid had picked out along with a couple more they found on Netflix Instant Streaming. They laughed and joked and a good time was had by all. The next day, Kid had no trouble completing his essay on soul resonance.

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_**A/N On a different note, an alternate title might be "Spunkangel's View on Cardboard Tampons." Just sayin.  
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_**Oh, and one more thing before you review (hopefully! I would love you forever! :3). I realize that Kid would probably never in his life call someone "Mr. Nutter Butter" unless held at gun point (figuratively speaking, of course. We all know Kid could take down a common gunman with a flick of his pinky. ;)), but it was just too cute. I didn't have the heart to take it out. It YEARNED to be published for all to see. Even if it is slightly OOC. (Hey, that kinda rhymed. =P) Okay, this is getting kind of long.**_

_**I humbly request that you let me know what you thought in the form of a review, and I hope you enjoyed this random thing that my brain simply pooped out one day. :)  
**_

_**Thank ya, sweet thang! Yeah, I'm talking to you. ;)  
**_


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